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    Forgiveness: Leaving the Past in the Past

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    Forgiveness: Leaving the Past in the Past

    Out beyond the concepts of right-doing and wrong-doing, there is
    a field. I will meet you there.
    —Rumi

    When I talk with my clients about forgiveness, I am often faced with resistance. You may confuse forgiveness with letting someone off the hook. If you carry resentment, you may believe that the offending person will continue to suffer for his or her mistakes. The reality is that you are allowing the other person to continue to hurt you even after the event has passed, as if you are drinking poison while wishing the other person would die. Isn’t that lovely? True forgiveness means letting go of past pain so that you can be free to move forward in your life.

    Since you have dredged up the past in previous Article, you may have uprooted some anger toward your parents, past caregivers, ex-husbands, or ex-boyfriends who have caused you emotional pain. This “stuck” place of resentment can prevent you from finding a healthy relationship. If these feelings are not addressed, you may unconsciously project old hurts onto new potential mates or continue to attract the same abusive behavior in an effort to change the outcome. Once you are free from the past, you will be able to let love in with a clean slate.

    Think about the lists of characteristics you made for your parents and past lovers. Does anyone stick out in your mind who brings up strong feelings of anger or resentment? You may think this is the person who is to blame for your heartache or lack of love.

    Almost everyone has a general idea about which events or people caused the problems and suffering in his or her life. There is always one parent whom you did not get along with or one ex-boyfriend or ex-husband who caused you great emotional pain. Even if you rationalized and let go of your bitterness on a conscious level, your inner mind may not have gotten to that point yet. The process described in this Article will help clear away any conscious and unconscious resentments so that you can enter into your new loving relationship with an open mind.

    You don’t want those past relationships to continue to haunt you or impede your blissful new love connection. Get out your journal and let’s begin the following exercise.

    Journaling : Who You’ re Angry With

    Who: Let’s start with who. Who are you still angry with? If you have a hard time thinking of someone you need to forgive, don’t skip over this Article. Use someone who causes you to experience even a slight degree of agitation.

    You don’t have to feel full-blown rage toward this person to benefit from the exercise. Actually, sometimes a person who merely makes you feel the tiniest bit of tension might provide the most healing. Write his or her name at the top of a fresh page in your journal.

    What: Now that you have identified the person in question, write down what he or she did to you that was so terrible. Include all of the dirty details and allow explicit words to flow if you want to.

    How: Next, describe how that person’s actions affected you and your life.

    Why: The last step is to uncover the reasons why that person would want you to experience that suffering or end up with that resulting psychological trauma. For example, “Why did Mom criticize me so much that I never had confidence with men?” or “Why did Dad abuse me so that I am two hundred pounds overweight and I hide out from men?” This is a hard one. Why would they want such an outcome for you? Were they truly evil, or was there another reason?

    Although there are people who do hurtful things to others, my experiences in life have convinced me that people are inherently good. They attempt to do their best with whatever resources they have. There are many reasons someone would cause harm to another, such as:

    • Mental illness (from mild depression to being criminally insane)
    • A history of abuse (from having critical parents to experiencing extreme sexual and physical abuse)
    • Being abandoned and/or neglected as a child
    • Post-traumatic stress from war, accidents, or witnessing extreme events
    • And other unique situations

    Remember, the purpose of this exercise is not to let the person off the hook, but instead to help you understand the fuel behind his or her actions. Some parents who were abused in their childhood continue the abuse with their own children because this behavior was a “normal” way of being for them. A person who was abandoned or neglected may not have the capacity to love. See whether you can conjure up a small amount of compassion for what is going on in that person’s mind.

    Everyone has baggage in the deepest part of the mind, and most people are not conscious of it. They usually act on autopilot, based on their previous life experiences, and continue their destructive patterns.

    Fortunately, you have this Article and the tools within it to change your old mental habits. Someday the person who harmed you may have the insight to change his or her ways, but your happiness does not depend on it.

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    Placing Your Man Order

    Placing Your Man Order

    To help achieve your goal of having a healthy relationship, you should also make a list of the attributes that you seek in a mate. Although this may seem like a repeat of what you just wrote in the previous section, this is slightly more specific. Instead of writing a general statement of what you want, take it to the next level by being really precise as to the type of man you want in your life. This may seem like a mundane exercise, but you can have fun with it. Think of the exercise as your “Man Order.” First, go to a fresh page in your journal and brainstorm all of the qualities that you desire in your true love. After you have finished, review what you have written and divide the list into two categories:

    (1) must-haves, and (2) nice to have. If you want, make a second list divided into these categories and read the “must haves” section every morning and every night. Categorizing your list will help you get clear on what you absolutely need versus optional qualities that are merely appealing to you.

    Just as if you order in a sushi restaurant by checking off your choices, imagine that you have placed an order for your man. By having this information at the forefront of your mind, you’ll find it easier to select men because you are clear about what you want. You will quickly weed out the men who don’t fit your specifications and will focus on the ones who do. You attract what you focus on. You may be clear about wanting a healthy relationship on the subconscious level, but if you are not specific about what you want, the universe will bring any man who fits into that category.

    Bringing New Ideas Down to the Deep Mind

    Now let’s incorporate your new idea of yourself and what you want into your subconscious. You will begin to break through your old model and upgrade to a new experience in love through the power of hypnosis. As we work together, you will find that your hypnotic state becomes deeper and more profound each time. Read through the entire script, then close your eyes and envision the session in your mind. If you like, you can record yourself reading the script with a tape recorder or on a computer.

    Then play the session back so that you can be guided by your voice. You will receive great benefits any way that you do the session. If you need to go through this exercise more than once, that is totally fine. Some people find that doing it a few times really clears out the old baggage (depending on how much you have!). Other people can read through the exercise and start to visualize as they read. The latter method also works because you are in a trance state when you focus on the subject you are reading about. To achieve a deeper state of relaxation,

    I suggest that you really relax and close your eyes to completely experience the visualization. There are two inductions suggested on the next page. Feel free to use both methods to get into a deeper state, if you prefer. Remember to read through the exercise at least once before entering into the trance. After the hypnosis process, read the exercise addendum to uncover more about what you experienced in the session. For best results, please do not read the follow-up addendum until you have done the exercise.

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    How to Open Your Mind to Let Love In?

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    How to Open Your Mind to Let Love In?

    So how do you change the core beliefs in your subconscious mind? There are many ways that you can easily transform your belief system. The simple answer is to find a method of relaxing your mind so that it can accept new, beneficial information. If you have ever looked in the mirror and said, “I love you,” and the voice in your head responded, “Who are you kidding?” then you’ve experienced the wonderful power of your subconscious mind. The deep levels of your mind will generally reject new ideas that do not match those that are already stored. It’s just like pouring water over hard, dry soil; the water simply runs off the surface. The earth initially rejects the water because the soil has become unreceptive. It takes time and effort for the water to be absorbed until it nourishes the soil.

    The subconscious does not like change. Your mind does not like surprises, and it thrives on keeping you in your “comfort zone.” You can change over time, though, because eventually, new ideas can sink in. Here are some ways in which the subconscious can be influenced to accept new ideas after your adult filter has formed:

    Repetition

    If you hear or read something over and over again, you will eventually believe the idea. You have heard the expression “I am going to beat this idea into my head.” Quite literally, the subconscious mind weakens its defense against an idea that is mentioned over and over again and finally just accepts it. Have you ever listened to an annoying pop song on the radio and then found yourself singing the tune later in your mind because you heard it so many times? Repetitive advertising, political messages, and the opinions of peers, whether good or bad, can also penetrate your subconscious. Imagine a teenager constantly being teased about her body. As an adult, she may keep the belief that she is overweight long after she has outgrown her baby fat. This could lead to her being insecure about her body and possibly becoming addicted to working out, developing an eating disorder, and/or avoiding intimate contact with men.

    Authority

    Information received from a doctor, a lawyer, a politician, a boss,a parent, or someone you admire has a good chance of going right into your inner mind. For example, if a doctor tells a patient he will recover quickly, the patient tends to recover at record pace. If the doctor tells the patient he has six months to live and that there is no hope, the patient may die in exactly six months. If a politician says that terrorists are everywhere, plotting our demise, the public tends to be afraid. This phenomenon is seen in cults, where the leader actually “hypnotizes” the followers to believe that his way is best. For hundreds of years, men have taken a position of authority in the world and in marriages. Women tend to look at the men in their lives as authority figures and as greater than themselves: as people whom they have to win over. If a woman has this viewpoint, then any major rejection from a man, such as a divorce or infidelity, can be devastating, and her deeper mind might begin to believe that she is not worthy or deserving of a loving reltionship.

    An intense emotional event

    Many people find that their core false beliefs originated in significant events in their lives—a death, an accident, or an abusive experience. At any age, a person who undergoes a trauma might experience a radical change in the opinions of the deep mind. While in a state of shock, the subconscious mind cannot rationalize what is going on and relies on emotional responses. A traumatic event makes a strong impression on the subconscious by also creating a hardwired memory of the event. This old memory triggers the same feelings when it is stimulated by a similar experience. Even if the new incident is only vaguely like the traumatic circumstances, the deep mind pulls up the old memory and automatically replays the emotional response. For example, a person who, either as a child or as an adult, has been verbally or sexually abused by a man may end up believing that “men are not safe.” Women with this core belief tend to push the nice guys away and settle for abusive men because their inner minds do not believe it is possible for them to receive love and adoration from a man.

    Peers

    The people around you teach you what to believe. As you grew up, your friendships had a strong effect on your belief system. Some women had friends who placed a high value on looks, while others focused on excelling in school. Most of my childhood friends were not career oriented, and they became housewives and mothers in their early twenties. When I compared myself to them, I felt like a loser because I was not married at twenty-three. Did you hang around with the wrong crowd? What about the people you surround yourself with now? Think of your girlfriends, coworkers, and family. Do they always tell you that men are jerks, that there are no good men left, or that you will be single forever? Or are you surrounded by happily married couples who encourage you and say that you are wonderful?

    The people in your environment also affect your beliefs on a subconscious level. Even if you disagree with them, when you spend time with these people, your inner mind eventually loses its defense against their beliefs. You may unconsciously start to mirror their behavior and take on their ideas. For example, if you have friends who are very concerned with finding romance, you may judge yourself poorly if you do not have a boyfriend. If your friends are all freewheeling singles, you may ignore your desire to find a mate and instead engage in wild sexual activities with random men, all the while trying to convince yourself that you are simply having fun.

    Trance/meditation/hypnosis

    The relaxed mental state of trance or meditation allows the subconscious to be more open to new ideas. You experience a trancelike state every day. The lightest stage is the alpha state. You are in this state when you drive a car or perform a repetitive task. When you are completely engaged and focused—reading a book, watching a movie, or listening to an interesting speaker—you are in the alpha (trance) state.

    Think about all of the romantic movies you have seen. Your mind may believe that if your own relationship isn’t like those in the movies, you must not be in love. Self-hypnosis involves using simple relaxation and visualization techniques to fill the deeper mind with new, updated ideas of being lovable and worthy so that you can see immediate results in your dating life.

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    Why Relationships Do Not Last?

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    Why Relationships Do Not Last?

    You have learned about the law of attraction and how it applies to the subconscious mind. Your core beliefs either attract or repel a healthy relationship. But many women have managed to get into relationships with men even when they have a primary belief that they are not lovable. Maybe you look at your women friends and family members, fully aware of their insecurities and psychological issues, and you wonder how they are nevertheless able to attract men. Why do you have to do this work and they don’t?

    There is another factor involved called the law of transfiguration. This law states that what you believe on the subconscious level is continually communicated to others. So when you date someone, this man can actually read your mind. He may be physically attracted to you at first, but when he spends more time with you, he might suddenly lose interest. You may not have done anything differently. You could have played by the rules and acted cool, but your guy still left you. The reason is that he unconsciously picked up on your core beliefs (which are beneath your conscious awareness), and he started to believe what you believe about yourself. You actually hypnotized him to not love you!

    Many short-lived romances end because of this law. Two people “fall in love” superficially, but their relationship is eventually undermined by their hidden beliefs, and one or both of them become repelled by the other. People’s deepest insecurities arise when the excitement of the initial passion wears off. If the relationship survives, the reason is often because one or both parties disconnect from their emotions and continue a shallow relationship. Don’t assume that all of your couple friends and family members are really happy just because they have a partner. If you want an intimate, healthy relationship, you must address your deep negative beliefs and transform them.

    Clearing away subconscious beliefs that hinder you is such a powerful technique. This is because the subconscious mind is not limited by time and space. Whenever you feel attuned to someone, communication occurs on a subconscious level between your mind and that person’s, even if you are thousands of miles apart. You each sense the other’s deepest beliefs, regardless of physical proximity.

    This is how a man can sense your presence (or your “essence”) from across the room or during a phone call. The good news is that once you clear away the negative beliefs, your love magnet will reach every corner of the planet. When you transform your core beliefs from feeling unworthy to being certain that you are lovable, beautiful, and amazing, you will send that subconscious message to every man you meet. The biggest benefit, however, will be long term because the relationship will last. You will not be “talking a man out of loving you” on the subconscious level anymore. You will develop authentic power and find the love you truly deserve.

    You have probably experienced glimpses of the law of transfiguration when you finally got over an old boyfriend and he suddenly reappeared in your life. He stopped feeling that needy pull from you and was now interested in getting you back. Of course, this always occurred when you had no desire left for him. Many relationship books will tell you to act cool and aloof to get a man, but this sham works only temporarily. When you change your core beliefs, you will not have to act. You will naturally feel more attractive, and men will be drawn to you without any effort on your part. You will get to choose from a selection of bachelors and be in control of your dating destiny.

    Your Dating Destiny: It’s All in Your Mind!

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    Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.

    A tall, blond, pretty thirty-two-year-old woman came into my office for some relationship work. Her dark-blue business suit accentuated her piercing blue eyes and gave her an appearance of confidence, which vanished when she slumped into the chair. Holding crumpled tissues, she wiped the tears from her face. She could not maintain her composure. Mary had just been dumped again. Tired of rejection after rejection, she asked me whether there was any hope that she would ever find love.

    Everything else in her life seemed to be going well. She was intelligent and had a high-paying job as a computer programmer. She had many close friends and a great family. But despite having all of the outward signs of a happy life, she couldn’t find a man to stick around longer than two months. Each rejection ravaged her self-esteem, and she had nowhere else to turn. She looked at me that day and pleaded, “Can you help? ”

    After several sessions of hypnotherapy, she learned to laugh at her own mistakes, became more aware of her pattern of selecting certain types of men, and felt empowered to make different choices. She transformed from a wounded victim who felt “not good enough” to a powerful, self-assured woman who really believed she deserved a great relationship. Over a two-month period, her confidence increased through the use of self-hypnosis visualizations. Her life changed dramatically because she was able to break the cycle of attracting unavailable men. Six months after our final session, she called to tell me that she had met the man of her dreams. Two years later, she reported that they were happily married. She strongly believes that her success in building a healthy relationship is due to the work we did together.

    Mary is like countless other clients who have come to me over the years to heal their relationship issues. According to the 2000 U.S. Census, more than 95.7 million Americans are single. Sixty-three percent of them have never been married, and many are women. Not all of these people want partners, but a large majority of single women do want love and are either afraid to get involved again or do not think that love is possible.

    With such an abundance of single people out there, why are so many women— including you—struggling to find a partner? The main underlying reason is because whatever you think and believe about relationships will be manifested in your life and in the people you date. In Mary’s case, she felt unwanted and unlovable on a deep level, so she unconsciously attracted men who reinforced that idea. These men always left her, and she continued the destructive cycle of thinking that she was unlovable until she changed her subconscious beliefs.

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    How does your partner act when you are ill?

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    “For better or for worse, from this day forward, in sickness and in health … ” Remember those famous lines? Many couples say them when get married, but do they really understand them? Do they understand their implications and do they really mean it when they say them, especially the part about “for worse” and “in sickness”? It is much easier to love and live with someone during the good times, but so much harder when times get tough.

    For it is clear that more relationships break up during times of “worse”, such as from stress suffered during recessions or perhaps the illness of a partner. This is when one of the partners can’t cope with the stains and harsh realities of the dramatic changes in their relationship and in their partner, and bail out. We all hope this doesn’t happen, but when tragic events in life do strike, the person we should all be able to turn to for love and support is our partner.

    How does your partner react and treat you when you are ill?

    This is perhaps the most telling as to whether they will stick with you through better or worse. When you are ill then you are at your worse physically (not so beautiful), and worse socially and emotionally (in need, and not cheerful, nor able to give of yourself during this time). When you go through illness you are at your “worst” and if your partner were able to still love and support you during this period, then it shows they love you just for you, and that they will still love you through any other problems.

    Testimoniale

    Casey and Shane were engaged. Casey then got the devastating news that she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Surgery, including a mastectomy, was required immediately, then chemotherapy followed. Casey was really concerned and felt insecure about whether Shane would still want to marry her now, given what her appearance would be like after the treatment, bald and without a breast. Shane assured her everything would be fine and he loved her for who she was, and would still love her no matter what she looked like afterwards, and encouraged her to have the required treatment.

    Everything that Casey dreaded about how she would look came true. She couldn’t even bring herself to look at her chest after the mastectomy with the big scar across where her breast had once been. However, Shane assured her she was still beautiful to him, her wonderful soul with whom he fell in love still shone through. After her hair grew back they had their wedding. If Shane could love her even at her lowest point, then he would love her at every stage of her life.

    That is the essence of what a partner should be and what a partner is for. The good times are great but they’re easy, it’s the bad times when a person’s true nature will be revealed, separating the good partners from the “bad”, that provide the hard challenges.

    Sally was dating Ian and things were great. Ian loved her for being dynamic, funny and, most importantly, lots of fun. Sally then contracted pneumonia and was laid up in hospital for a week. Ian had initially rung her up to ask her about what they were going to do that weekend, and when Sally told him she was in hospital, he did not even ask her which hospital she was in. He did not call her afterwards to ask how she was, let alone try to come and visit her in hospital.

    Sally was heartbroken by his action or lack of it, but then thankfully realised how shallow his feelings for her were and she was glad she found out then, before things went any further. Needless to say when Ian called again a few weeks later to ask her if she was now up to go canoeing with him, she told him to get lost.

    Don’t marry too young

    We have gone over the importance of various things that you need to have in common with a partner for the relationship to work. The major factors being:

    •getting along just by being yourself;
    •sharing mutual values; and
    •sharing mutual goals.

    However, major considerations before you are even able to assess these factors are to know what your own personality, values and goals actually are. When you are young, in your teens and early twenties, adult life for you is just getting started.

    As your adult personality won’t fully develop and stabilise, until you’re about 25 years old, if you happen to get along with someone at this stage, you may not necessarily get along with them if your personality does change. Therefore any relationship you start at this stage may not work out in the long term.

    The other two most important factors are your values and goals in life. These usually don’t stabilise until your late 20s, when you have had a decent amount of experience in adult life and you can determine what you value and what you want out of life. If you marry before these stabilise then they may change later on when you find that you and your partner want different things out of life.

    This inevitably leads to you both going your separate ways, or if you are still together, it will be with one unhappy person, as they have given up their own goals for the sake of the marriage. Therefore marriage in the late 20s or early 30s is best.

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    Love each other but still not entirely compatible?

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    When people have married someone who is incompatible with them, the void between them can be keenly felt, the extent of which depends on how important that area is. What they feel is lacking from their partner can result in any multitude of things:

    •not feeling appreciated;
    •feeling alone as their partner doesn’t share the same goals and aspirations;
    and
    •their partner not understanding them.

    It is human nature that when our needs are not met, whether they’re emotional or sexual needs, then the hunger for it means we start looking for it elsewhere, either consciously or unconsciously. This is the case when people are unhappy in their relationships and feel alone, they seek comfort elsewhere. This can be through finding their own group of friends or social life.

    Then if they happen to meet someone else that can give them what we are lacking in their own marriage, then it’s only human nature to take what they crave, leading to an affair.

    It is important not to assign blame as it is no one’s fault when this happens:
    not the cheater for being selfish nor the one being cheated on for not being a better partner. They just did not meet each other’s needs as they were not compatible and therefore were not meant for each other to begin with.

    However, if it was not a matter of the cheater being unhappy at home, but down to their inability to stay monogamous, then that is a sign that marriage itself is unsuitable for that person, or they need to pair up with someone else with whom they’re like-minded on this issue.

    Love each other but still not entirely compatible?

    Sometimes just because you have been married a long time does not necessarily mean that you are perfect for each other. Often people are not entirely happy with their partner and wished some things were different, but they don’t feel that issue is overwhelmingly strong enough to justify getting divorced, especially if there are children involved.

    There are also people who feel their relationship is great; however, there are a few areas that they need to work on. Often, you may hear them say; “I love my partner but I’m not in love with her”, “It would be better if she didn’t have such a bad temper”, or “Our relationship is great except I don’t enjoy sex with him anymore”.

    This is also a sign that, while you and your partner may match in quite a lot of different areas, you are still not the right or exact match for each other. You can be happy enough with your partner, but they are not the best match possible for you.

    It is just like the case of certain careers, you may do well enough in one but would do even better and be even happier in another to which you’re better suited. An example is Bill Gates; he is truly in his element having gone into the best career possible being in software development.

    Now, picture him making construction equipment instead. He may well have been quite successful and happy there, but he would be nowhere near as successful and happy as he is in developing software. Likewise, you can be happy enough with your partner, but if there are still some things you are unhappy with, this then this indicates that it may not be the best possible match for you.