Why marriages are failing?

Why marriages are failing?
Why marriages are failing?

What’s the main reason that marriages fail? It’s because people marry the wrong person in the first place. That is what it ultimately comes down to and it explains why partners:

•don’t understand each other;
•lack communication;
•are not spending enough time together;
•argue over money;
•argue over sex;
•want different things in life; and
•each do their own thing.

When these problems happen it really is no one’s fault, just that the partners were simply unsuited, and it is this unsuitability that manifests itself as relationship problems. Then, unfortunately, it’s usually just a matter of time before the relationship breaks down.

Consider this setting: Jack and Jill met each other at a party and were instantly drawn to each other. They then hit it off and being very outgoing people they saw each other every weekend going canoeing, cycling, and partying with friends. Pretty soon the novelty of it all started to wear off when issues came up.

Jill worked in the corporate world and needed to work on Saturday. Jack was a little irritated at that and couldn’t understand why she would need to work on the weekend as her obligations should only be within business hours and, besides, it was only a job. Jill felt he wouldn’t understand so let it pass, but then the extra workload dragged on and she found herself working back every day and the whole of the following weekend.

When Jill finally got a day off she was exhausted and wanted to just stay home and rest. Jack couldn’t understand why suddenly she wasn’t much fun anymore and why she was letting her job dictate her life. Jill finally snapped and told Jack off. This subsequently led to a fight and they broke off.

It was not Jack or Jill’s fault that their relationship broke down. It is clear that Jack and Jill were fundamentally unsuited to each other, and what they did have in common was very superficial. There were many more serious differences in values, outlook and goals that far outweighed the fact they both enjoyed adventure and fun. They were just not meant for each other to begin with, rather than anything to do with Jill’s job getting in the way.

Consequences of incompatibility

It is human nature that we need to be ourselves. We can adapt and compromise for certain situations and for a while, but over the long term, we can only ever be happy if we are able to let go, relax and be ourselves.

Think back to your workplace and the person that usually sits next to you. You are cordial and polite with each other because you need to be at work, and you can keep it up because your contact is limited without having much to do with each other. However what happens if you also had to come home to that person? How long do you think you can last with that person? Home is where you should be able to put your feet up and be yourself, but if you had to keep up the pretense all the time, after a while you just want to get out of that situation.

This is the same situation with your partner. People meet, experience passion and seemingly fall in love. They marry on the back of those feelings and then, when the honeymoon period is over, they fall back down to earth, and various problems and irritations with each other start to surface, when they revert back to being themselves.

The time it takes before this happens varies between couples, depending on how large their incompatibilities are — the greater the incompatibilities, the sooner they appear and the greater the incompatibilities, the bigger the problems. Incompatibilities can manifest themselves when partners:

•can’t agree on anything which leads to arguments;
•realise they have different needs and goals;
•lose interest in each other (sexually or otherwise); or
•slip into an affair.

When these problems happen partners usually blame each other. However, it is their different mindsets and understanding of life that explain why they have trouble understanding each other. This is then the cause of many arguments when the partners can’t understand why the other does the things they do.

This situation eventually leads to them breaking up, and the partners may blame each other for it and give a multitude of reasons why the relationship broke down: “If only he wasn’t so selfish”, “All I hear when I get home is her complaining, so I don’t want to be home”, “There are things I need and he can’t meet them”, “He didn’t put enough work into the relationship”, “Problem was she didn’t understand me at all”.

The truth is it is no one’s fault, the partners just were not meant to be together. It was a mismatch and that’s why there were problems. Each may have been a perfect match for someone else, just not for each other.